Pokemon training can be a lonely endeavor. Scouring the verdant plains in search of willing challengers, gym badges, or in the case of Paldea, literally anything of interest whatsoever.
It’s enough to drive one mad, mad I say! But fear not, weary travellers, for I have gone on a Pokemon journey of a different kind. I have scanned the vast catalogue of pocket monsters not for the fiercest battlers or the rarest beasts. Nay, I have instead elected to narrow down the ten most unreasonably handsome Pokemon for your enjoyment/bewilderment/abject horror.
Were I to spot them on a dating app, I would most assuredly swipe right. Best be wary, however, as I have been Whiscash’d on more than one occasion, and nothing is worse than having to go out for drinks with a deceitful fish who keeps causing earthquakes. Such a hassle!
Machoke
Likes: Working out, carb-loading, picture books.
Dislikes: Big words, meaningful conversations, birds.
I’m not too proud to admit my fascination with chiselled musculature. Machoke is the go-to for dudebros who spend all of their time in the gym and all of their money on protein shakes.
This hefty mound of meat is capable of lifting sumo wrestlers with a single finger, which is an impressive feat that coincidentally has led to me being banned from every Japanese culture festival in town. You’re bound to have a good old laugh with Machoke, especially if you’re into juvenile humor and movies with lots of explosions. Just don’t expect anything beyond that, as it claims to literally have a weakness to thinking, whatever that means.
Worse still, it’s worth noting that upon breaking up with Machoke, it will evolve into a Machamp the next time it hooks up with someone — such is the risk of trading! The only thing that’s worse than an ex of flex is one that has a pair of superfluous arms at their disposal.
Sneasler
Likes: The outdoors, solitude, caustic chemistry.
Dislikes: Large crowds, small mountains, medium McFries (it’s just bad value, really).
Of course, if you’d rather not be stuck in the sweaty confines of a gym all day, you might instead like to consider dating Sneasler. It’s a bit of a steep task; literally speaking because you’ll have to scale the tallest peaks of Hisui to even find one, but figuratively speaking because it probably thinks you’re lame. Sneasler is a bit of a miser, you see, and would rather spend its days alone than hanging out with others.
“I’ve met literal boulders with more personality than you,” it would sneer in your direction, though unless you speak fluent Pokemonese, you would really only hear various grunts of “Sneasler”. Do not offer it a tissue, it is not in fact sneezing.
Were you to somehow convince it to actually invest time in you, you’d best be prepared for a lot of rock climbing. You’ll be so fit within the week, and yet ultimately unfulfilled. It’s a loveless life with a Sneasler, so don’t even expect a romantic birthday present. It hasn’t forgotten, it simply does not care.
Rillaboom
Likes: Sick beats, jam sessions, John Bonham.
Dislikes: Paying rent, gainful employment, “the man”.
Are you seeking a deeper connection? Someone you could relate to on a spiritual level? Perchance you’d prefer to spend time with a Rillaboom, a soulful musician with whom you can boogie the night away.
It goes without saying that this grassy gorilla is into the drums — like, really really into the drums — to the point where it won’t be seen in public without them. It won’t be seen in private without them, either, so make sure there’s ample storage space in your bedroom.
Like all starving artists, however, you will always be a distant second in its heart to the passion of percussion. You know that song, “music gets the best of me, but guess who gets the rest of me?” It’s basically that, except the rest of Rillaboom is nothing but a shallow disappointment who refuses to clean up after itself.