Ten years ago, I went through a brief but intense stint of being well into Left 4 Dead. I was absolutely appalling at it, and I don't think I ever truly grasped what was going on in a single match I played. Nevertheless, I was at least so enthusiastic in my bewilderment that I was eventually taken on by a clan, grudgingly, as a sort of court jester. Everyone knew that playing with me was basically a death sentence. But my towering overconfidence whenever I got to play as the Charger - and then the barks of hapless sorrow which inevitably followed, as I sent them hooning straight out of a skyscraper window - were apparently just amusing enough to make me worth carrying.
In the spirit of my barnstorming PvP days, then, I am going to give you some weapons-grade tactical insight into the new mega zombos, or "Riddens", appearing in Left 4 Dead's upcoming spiritual successor, Back 4 Blood. Admittedly, I've not played the game yet. I've not even watched the footage from my colleagues who have played (and you can find their full Back 4 Blood open beta report right here). But that's not going to stop me telling you exactly what these exciting new deadoes are about, or how you can leverage their abilities to win every single time you play its humans vs zombies PvP mode. I am going to offer my analysis based purely on a cursory glance at each monster's concept art, my staggering powers of intuition, and nothing else. Hope you're ready to learn.