Final Fantasy 7 is one of the most beloved games ever made, and one of the weirdest. From comical mis-translations to offbeat mini-games, and plot-points you'd sooner expect in an Adam Sandler film, the J-RPG is sometimes memorable for all the wrong (or right?) reasons. As we prepare to return to Midgar for the Final Fantasy 7 Remake, here's 21 of the strangest parts of the original, in the slideshow or article below.
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Riding a Dolphin to Junon
The nineties were a little obsessed with dolphins. Between the Flipper reboot, Ecco, and Jones the hacker from 1995's Johnny Mnemonic, we had our fair share of heroic bottlenoses. Final Fantasy 7's contribution to this trend involves a young Junon resident Priscilla and her pal, Mr. Dolphin. Needing a way to ascend former fishing town Junon to the Shinra base above, Priscilla and her aqua mammal comrade offer to take Cloud and the gang on Mr. Dolphin's back. Heeding the call of Priscilla's trusty whistle, Mr. Dolphin gives you a massive head start on the base of the Shinra tower, making the rest of the infiltration a cinch.
Getting Threatened For Angering a TV Producer
While visiting the Shinra presence in Junon, you inadvertently arrive during a military parade. As the city is crawling with soldiers and officials, the best way to avoid detection is to blend in, forcing Cloud to steal a Shinra uniform and march as part of the fanfare. This is all well and good, except the game frames this as part of a live TV broadcast, complete with a ratings meter to measure your score.
The aftermath can go one of two ways: either you do a great job and ratings sky-rocket, leading the producer to give you a hefty bonus, or you screw it up and the network executive orders someone to mail you a letter bomb. Not only a bit of an overreaction but also a stark reflection of a time when offhand references to terrorism didn't carry the same heft.
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The Date With Barrett
A drug trip of what a cyberpunk amusement park might look like, your time at the Golden Saucer is one of the highlights of Final Fantasy VII. Among all the various mini-games and character moments, there's a dating sequence where, depending on the choices made, Cloud can end up having a romantic evening with Aerith, Tifa, Yuffie, or if you're very lucky, Barrett.
Each date has its own set unique dialogue, and for the most part, there's a sense of genuine connection. Aerith expresses a longing to meet the “real” Cloud, Tifa talks about wanting to tell Cloud she has feelings for him, while Yuffie plants one on his cheek. Barrett tries to get him to admit which of the women in your party he actually likes, before suggesting Marlene - who is 4-years-old - could be the object of Cloud's affections. A tongue-in-cheek joke likely made worse by poor translation, it makes an odd situation all the more bizarre.
Battling Palmer the First Time
Cid's backstory that unfolds when you visit Rocket Town is somber, yet it’s capped off by pure slapstick comedy. After Shera tells her and Cid’s heartbreaking story you find Palmer trying to steal Cid's plane, the Tiny Bronco. Palmer's the head of Shinra's Space Development Division, and he and Cid have no love for each other.
The ensuing battle is a relatively normal second-tier boss fight, until Palmer makes the wise choice to retreat instead of facing death, and promptly gets hit by a truck. The scuffle happens on a country road so it makes sense there's traffic, but the timing is more than a little at odds with the bittersweet story you just heard.
Helping Tifa Win a Slap-Off
Tifa Lockheart is a gaming icon. One of Cloud's oldest friends, and a ride-or-die companion, she's synonymous with the lineage of Final Fantasy 7 and the franchise as a whole. It's not the RPG's greatest moment, then, when Tifa becomes involved in a slap fight against Shrina brass Scarlet.As Tifa and Barrett make their desperate escape from Shinra captivity, Tifa comes face-to-face with Scarlet atop the Mako Cannon in what should be a tense one-on-one battle. Instead, we're given a tactless brawl of insults and slaps before Tifa's eventually hauled out of there. It's very much a credit to Tifa's character otherwise that this incident was largely swept under the carpet of history.
The Golden Saucer Show
Aside from the loose dating sim that leads into seeing Enchantment Night at the Golden Saucer, the actual date itself is a memorable outing, to say the least. The fireworks are good, and the tram looks comfortable, but the live theater leaves something to be desired.
A fantasy show is in residence, involving a wizard, a dragon, and a knight, but the actors don't do a lot of performing. Instead, it's up to you, as Cloud, to save your date as the rest twirl around the stage. You're asked to choose between the dragon, the king or the knight, and given the winner a little kiss, leading to a proclamation that love has triumphed. Shakespeare this is not, and it's not even two scenes.
Cid's Abuse of Shera
Learning about the mission that ended Cid's career as a space captain is a downtrodden affair. Shera was willing to sacrifice herself so Cid's launch could go off without a hitch, but Cid, unable to let her do that, caused an emergency shut-down, effectively dooming the space program and ending any chance they had of being involved in it.
It'd all make for some heady romance if not for Cid's complete for Shera's mental well-being. Over and over, he hurls abuse at his partner and assistant, calling her names and insulting her work. Sure enough, right after she's finished narrating the flashback, the first thing Cid asks is why she hasn't yet served tea to their guests. Cid might be one of hell of a pilot, but he's a lousy husband.
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Cloud Cross-dressing
The entire section involving Don Corneo at Wall Market is an oddity. Ever the unwitting hero, Cloud is volunteered to dress in women's clothing in order to get close to Don. Gathering the necessary items is a seedy fetch quest involving suggestions of nefarious items and a euphemism or two, and if you manage to obtain the ‘best fashion’, you catch Corneo's eye.Tifa's the unlucky object of Don's affections before you step in, so at least you know he's just a creep in general. Your reward for doing this perfectly is the line “all right pussycat, come to daddy”, which never gets any less icky no matter how many times we play.
The Original English-Translation is Kind of a Mess
There's no doubting the kind of resources that went into Final Fantasy 7. This was an expensive, work-intensive project that required everything Square could put into it to ship. That said, the original English translation was hit and miss.We’re not just talking about the occasional strange line or typo. The tone and meaning of certain scenes are altered by misunderstanding the Japanese intention, and some characters and names are divorced from their roots in other cultures. Cait Sith is supposed to be Scottish, based on the cat sith in Celtic mythology, but you wouldn't know that from the original localization. Ultimately, though, the odd language has added to the RPG's charm over the years, making a play-through all the more unique, as well as serving as a reminder that issues of time-constraint aren't new in game development.
Cloud is Invisible During Cut-Scenes
Final Fantasy 7 was made during a time of high innovation. The jump from 2D to 3D in-home consoles was revolutionary, with Square's new multi-disc PlayStation RPG right at the fore-front. However, the move into the third dimension was far from seamless, and many tricks were performed to make sure everything functioned - for the most part, at least.
One of the subtlest cheats the masterminds at Square got away with was making Cloud invisible during in-game cut-scenes. Whenever any dialogue is occurring and Cloud is off-screen, he isn't actually off-screen, his sprites have just been turned off. If you turn the invisibility off using a hacking tool for one of these scenes, you'll find Cloud just standing still as everyone talks like he isn't in the room. Nobody's quite sure why this is, though it's been speculated it was done for stability purposes. It's helped speedrunners get the overall record down, in any case.