Jeff Bakalar is an Editor at Large at CBS Interactive and one of CNET's youngest and brightest YouTube stars. He's currently featured as a permanent rotating chair guest-host on The Giant Beastcast. Follow him on Twitter if you want to keep abreast of which pinball machines he's currently spending his child's college funds on.
I know, I know. You came here expecting to read about my top 10 video games of the year and you’re getting some fantasy pinball list instead. Alex asked me if I’d do another list this year and I agreed and then proceeded to do something totally different than what we discussed. Life’s not very fair, is it?
But fuck, that’s just the kind of year it’s been, right? OK, fine. You want some games? I really liked The Last of Us Part II, Hades, and Paper Mario: The Origami King. Happy? Great.
One day I’d love to design a pinball game, and while I realize theme decisions are based on what’s going to sell well, resonate with multiple generations of potential players, and, most importantly, what’s going to get people to keep popping in quarters, there is something really satisfying about coming up with pinball themes that have a close to zero percent chance of ever being made.
A few things to keep in mind while you read through this: most pinball games abide by a similar set of rules and mechanics. While no two games are the same, they almost always have multiballs, game modes, spinners, drop and stand-up targets, objectives and usually some kind of mechanical gimmick (or toy) that is more or less the game’s defining feature. For example, Funhouse has a possessed ventriloquist dummy’s head mounted in the playfield (You know, for funsies!).
So for my list I’ll be providing a short synopsis and overview of the game and include ideas for a featured toy, main objective/game modes, multiballs, callouts (sound effects, usually voices) and anything else worth describing. This here handy image does a good job of labeling all the parts of a game if you need a guide.
For example, if I were describing The Addams Family game, it would look like this:
The Addams Family
Insert coin sound: Gomez shriek
Main Objective: Start various modes via the electric chair shot all while collecting G-R-A-V-E and G-R-E-E-D stand-up target shots.
Gimmick/Featured Toy:
- A working revolving bookcase
- Thing hand that grabs the ball with a magnet
- Electric chair scoop
Modes:
- The Mamushka
- Train Wreck
- Bear Kicks
- Mansion rooms and more
Other multiballs: Collect G-R-E-E-D, Thing multiball, Séance multiball
Notable callouts:
- “Gomez!”
- “‘Tish!”
- “Dirty Pool old man, I like it!”
So come along and join me on a ride through the ridiculousness of dream pinball designs:
10. Giant Bomb’s The Giant Beastcast pinball machine game
Listen, this is my list and I’m doing whatever the hell I want. So if I want to design a fantasy pinball game around our podcast with inside jokes that only a select few are gonna understand, I’m gonna do that.
With that disclaimer out of the way, Beastcast pinball is a traditional two-flipper game with a deep rule set yet a total lack of organization or flow. Player can select to play as their favorite host before plunging and can earn Austin Walker or Ron Funches as a guest.
Insert coin sound: “SPACE JAM!”
Main Objective: Collect five podcast hosts in time to start the show, no pee-pee breaks.
Gimmick/Featured Toys:
- Each host is represented with a full 3D statue on the playfield, each with four moving mechanical parts of articulation
- A plunged ball passes through the face of a sound mixer, bouncing off knobs and levelers before it enters the main playfield
- Spinning chair toy sits in front of pop-bumper pit and increases all jackpot bonuses when spun
Modes:
- Dan Ryckert mode: just hold the ball with a flipper and do nothing for an instant jackpot
- Postcard hunt: Find all the lost postcards by hitting the B-E-A-S-T drop targets and the C-O-R-R-E-C-T-I-O-N-S stand-up targets, completing mode lights extra ball
- Pop-bumpers randomize an active Transformer which decides playfield bonus X
- Reach 100 on the Sims plumbob spinners to start Popcorn Abby Multiball
- Time.is jackpot earned by hitting any two targets at the same time
Other multiballs: Corrections! multiball, Dr. Halo multiball, Kiss-on-the-cheek multiball
Notable callouts:
- “Woooooaaaaawwww!”
- “Smoke on the street!”
- “Faaaantastic!”
- “I’d be an in-play racquetball.”
- “My name is Margaret and I’m from Australia!”
9. Ska show pinball: the 5th? wave!
We’ll have to ask the amazing Skatune Network for music accompaniment here.
Insert coin sound: "Schik-a-schik"
Main Objective: Collect and load-in the 11 bands on the bill for tonight’s show. Make sure not to break anything because we’re all sharing the equipment!
Gimmick/Featured Toys:
- Full black and white checkerboard flooring in lower playfield
- Concert stage and “skanking pit” built into the rear
- “Skanking guy” and “Skanking girl” spring-loaded toys on opposite sides of the playfield
- Beat up U-Haul trailer locks balls for “Load-in Multiball”
Modes: