The 10 Best Games of 2023 (Based on How Much I Want to Hang Out With the Characters, and What We Would Do)
10. Hi-Fi Rush
When I played Hi-Fi Rush, I became certain of one thing: I don’t think I know how to listen to music correctly. Though the devs did create tools that would allow beat-challenged losers like myself and several of the people reading this (you know who you are) to play their game, I think I’m better off just going to a concert or something with Chai, Peppermint, CNMN, et al. We’ll have fun, and I’ll finally learn how to clap along to a beat correctly.
9. Resident Evil 4 Remake
I didn’t play this one, because I’m very afraid of horror games. I just think everyone seems nice and like they deserve a day of pampering after all the running around they just did. Maybe mimosas after?
8. Horizon Forbidden West: Burning Shores - Road Trip
Fuck all the haters, including and especially my coworkers. My girl Aloy and I are going for a nice, relaxing road trip down the coast, and we ARE gonna learn new stuff about our sexualities along the way.
7. The Lord of the Rings: Gollum
I will kick that mewling cave pervert directly into Mount Doom. It won’t be fun for him; it will be fun for me.
6. Pikmin 4
These little cuties may love onions, but it’s time for me to teach them about unions. Sorry to those of you looking forward to Pikmin 5, but these sweet fellas are about to get super into Marxist theory.
5. Star Wars Jedi: Survivor
I didn’t like this game, but I do think Cal and I could have a good time getting a drink at that shitty dive bar he lives under like the Phantom of the Space Opera. We could play a few rounds of holotactics, which I will get too competitive about. Obviously we’ll hang out with the slug guy, too, but as soon as he leaves we will whisper to each other about how we’re never hanging out with him again.
4. Street Fighter 6
I’d go to a cat cafe with Cammy. I’d go shopping with Manon. I’d hurl JP into the sun like a shot-put. It’d be a fun day!