Ah, Thanksgiving. It's a time of year for gratitude, togetherness, repeatedly attempting to explain my job to older relatives, and most importantly, a time when a lot of people come together to eat one really big bird. But here's the thing. Why do we always eat the same kind of bird? I mean, turkey is fine and all, but why not branch out a bit? Why not chicken, or quail, or pheasant?
And that got me thinking – why limit my daydreaming to real-life birds when there's so much delicious-looking poultry in video games? Sure, not every video game bird would be tasty, but it's worth assessing in case I ever get Jumanji-ed into a game one day.
Here's my rating of video game birds based on how good they'd be for Thanksgiving dinner.
Kazooie (4/10)
Kazooie doesn't look actively gross, but she doesn't have that much meat on her to begin with. She also has way too much personality for me to feel good about eating her. I'm not saying there are no interesting birds in the real world, but I don't think any are as expressive as Kazooie.
Unfezant (9/10)
The average ring-necked pheasant is 2.6 pounds. That's a lot of food, but Unfezant weighs a whopping 63.9 pounds! That is massive, easily feeding three times the number of people as a typical Thanksgiving turkey. The only downside here is raising a Pidove or Tranquil enough levels to evolve, but once the larger Pokémon world accepts Thanksgiving as the norm, I'm sure farmers will be raising plenty in pastures.
Cucco (0/10)
I'm sure a Cucco would taste delicious. We just have no way of knowing, since no one has ever slaughtered one and lived to tell the tale.
Shriek (-5/10)
Is this thing even a bird anymore? It's certainly not making my mouth water.
Stormbird (0/10)
Zero points here. This thing is not edible! Unless you're the Iron Giant from Brad Bird's 1999 animated classic The Iron Giant, steer clear of this one.
Brewster (6/10)
Meat-wise, I'm not sure what Brewster really offers, but I will say this – a bird as refined as he is definitely isn't doing hard labor. I'd even go so far as to say he's the type of bird that really takes care of himself. I bet whatever meat is available on those bones is nice and tender, with a hint of coffee-tinged richness.